There’s a number of reasons why I apologize all the time.
Feelings are like black glass. You can’t always see through them, as though solid, they break easily. I’m so aware of this, that I cringe at the idea that I’ve cracked anyone’s glass even accidentally. It’s something that shames me at the thought.
Feelings are also amorphous and changing; they may seem obvious but are up to interpretation. And rather than getting it wrong, it’s vastly easier to fill the silence between the emotion and it’s meaning with “I’m sorry.”
Lastly, however, and most damanging to the reflective; feelings are not equations, and cannot be easily understood. My anger and reasons behind it are never obvious to others who can’t see any perspective but their own. So then they get mad I’m mad, because they assume I have no reason for it, and then they don’t understand.
Sometimes I’m so tired of explaining I can’t form words to fight back. I can’t explain what I think should be obvious. So I settle for keeping the peace and keeping it to myself:
My imperfect heart
Cannot tell the difference
Between fair and unfair thoughts
So I stay in smiling silence
And that silence makes a gap
That pushes me into the lonely corner
I try so hard to avoid.
And on a day…
Where things are mostly fine…
Every normal obstacle feels enormous
Like a shadow over the future
Like seeing something flicker
Out of the corner of your eye
feels like my fault,
No matter how many times I tell myself otherwise.
Because when people are cruel,
when life is cruel,
It’s really hard to believe that it’s not you.
But it’s not you.
As long as you worry it is,
As long as you work to make sure you do your best,
It isn’t you.
It was never you.
Do you know what it’s like to see the world? I mean really see it. Gather a thousand details in a few seconds. Watch time stretch out as the nuaunces of life fill the space between seconds.
A woman leaves the train at 125th,
A shine off black flickers like a kiss from her patent strapped shoes,
A glimmer of red toe-nails peaking through,
Nighttime settles beyond the platform, dark blue.
Shadowy giants rise in the distance as light fades,
And orange glow on the worn green rails that last decades.
One hundred thousand feet grace that concrete,
Yet my eyes took time to meet