Support System

What’ll it be?

Some glittery tears?

You lean on me,

Until I ease your fears.
But I sink down,

Slowly still,

To the ground below,

But no one knows.
It goes unseen

I’m good you see,

At hiding these

Unsavory deeds.

Unhelpful emotion,

Salty like the ocean,

Invites you in,

But there’s no way to win.
So what’ll it be?

Some powerful words? 

I’ve got them all,

Sweetness you never heard.

Eyes

I remember distinctly one day,

Speaking about something so mundane ,

When I looked you in the eye,

And I stuttered, I cannot lie.

You say brown eyes are common things,

Not special, nothing we haven’t seen.

But I fall for twinkles, not colors in eyes,

And I saw the dreams and endless skies.

I caught my breath and looked away,

And finished whatever I was saying, now changed.

A small step

It would be a small step to some

Like going to summer camp for the first time.

Not to me though. We don’t all go to summer camp.

Just as I never thought I would muddle my way through the questions I didn’t even know how to form, to find even a single answer that would set me on my path.

We all have personal challenges. We all should recognize that what’s easy to some may not be easy for others.

This is my challenge.

This is yours.

Sorry 

There’s a number of reasons why I apologize all the time.

Feelings are like black glass. You can’t always see through them, as though solid, they break easily. I’m so aware of this, that I cringe at the idea that I’ve cracked anyone’s glass even accidentally. It’s something that shames me at the thought.

Feelings are also amorphous and changing; they may seem obvious but are up to interpretation. And rather than getting it wrong, it’s vastly easier to fill the silence between the emotion and it’s meaning with “I’m sorry.”
Lastly, however, and most damanging to the reflective; feelings are not equations, and cannot be easily understood. My anger and reasons behind it are never obvious to others who can’t see any perspective but their own. So then they get mad I’m mad, because they assume I have no reason for it, and then they don’t understand. 

Sometimes I’m so tired of explaining I can’t form words to fight back. I can’t explain what I think should be obvious. So I settle for keeping the peace and keeping it to myself:

“I’m sorry.”

It’s Not You

And on a day…

Where things are mostly fine…

 

Every normal obstacle feels enormous

Like a shadow over the future

Like seeing something flicker

Out of the corner of your eye

 

Everything wrong,

feels like my fault,

No matter how many times I tell myself otherwise.

Because when people are cruel,

when life is cruel,

It’s really hard to believe that it’s not you.

 

But it’s not you.

As long as you worry it is,

As long as you work to make sure you do your best,

It isn’t you.

It was never you.

 

It’s okay.

Between Seconds

Do you know what it’s like to see the world? I mean really see it. Gather a thousand details in a few seconds. Watch time stretch out as the nuaunces of life fill the space between seconds.

A woman leaves the train at 125th,

A shine off black flickers like a kiss from her patent strapped shoes,

A glimmer of red toe-nails peaking through,

Nighttime settles beyond the platform, dark blue.

Shadowy giants rise in the distance as light fades,

And orange glow on the worn green rails that last decades.

One hundred thousand feet grace that concrete,

Yet my eyes took time to meet 

Just

One

Pair.

1:20am

These are the nights when I understand

Why some people wish to escape this world.

 

Although my logic keeps me tethered to life,

as well as my love, my family, and my art,

what do those without even do,

when they just want to end the strife?

 

Angry words can be hard to resist,

but some lines are drawn to never be crossed.

No matter how far the pain cuts in,

sometimes it seems easier to be lost.

Than to be found, and reamed and slashed,

by hurtful words and a painful past.

 

Her

Do you know what it’s like to see her in your dreams?

Her smile, or her laugh?

To imagine everything she did or could have done?

Do you know what it’s like to see her behind your eyes as you hold them?¬†

Layers shed, halfway through, and all of a sudden there she is.

I’m with him, but she’s here too,

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Do you know what it’s like to see her face?

You imagine everything you want to do, it’s so vivid you can almost taste it.

Revenge would be sweet.

Maybe if others knew, your blood wouldn’t boil.

Maybe if you were vindicated, you could fall asleep without seeing them.

Maybe you could go back to pretending things are perfect, with the same conviction you had before.

Maybe if you tore up her life,

The way she smiled at you as she tore up yours,

You could sleep through the night.

That Type of Girl

I’m “that type of girl.”

The type who travels with poetry in her bag, right next to the comics.

The type who carries a sketchbook whenever she goes, because drawing is the only way to make sense of the world.

The type who’s alone in a group, watching everything.

The type who worries later, after opening up, that those who heard her won’t invite her again.

The type that carries a flask for a good time, because at least the light buzz will remove the anxiety, the uptightness, the constant worry over the smallest things.

The type who wants to be “the type” and yet rails and rallies against what it could mean.

The type who wants to be “cool” and “light” and “easy-going” but can’t even decide what to eat for lunch without weighing a hundred variables, including nutritional value, fullness, and financial cost.

Who reads feminist theory on the train, trying to understand why men can be so cruel, and women so catty.

Who is sexual, expriemental, and firery, but has also been seen as sexual, experimental, and easy.

Who defends the girl that can’t stand up for herself, even if no one was there to defend her.

Maybe that’s why she defends them.

Who sees others who need help, and stops.

Always stops.

Always stays until they don’t need her, and then becomes strangers to them when they decide she’s too much.

Who stares at the people who hurt her, and wonders how it was her fault, just to feel like she has some control.

Who wants to do better.

Wants to change the world.

Wants to be champion of all.

But doubts anyone really cares.