It would be a small step to some
Like going to summer camp for the first time.
Not to me though. We don’t all go to summer camp.
Just as I never thought I would muddle my way through the questions I didn’t even know how to form, to find even a single answer that would set me on my path.
We all have personal challenges. We all should recognize that what’s easy to some may not be easy for others.
This is my challenge.
This is yours.
There’s a number of reasons why I apologize all the time.
Feelings are like black glass. You can’t always see through them, as though solid, they break easily. I’m so aware of this, that I cringe at the idea that I’ve cracked anyone’s glass even accidentally. It’s something that shames me at the thought.
Feelings are also amorphous and changing; they may seem obvious but are up to interpretation. And rather than getting it wrong, it’s vastly easier to fill the silence between the emotion and it’s meaning with “I’m sorry.”
Lastly, however, and most damanging to the reflective; feelings are not equations, and cannot be easily understood. My anger and reasons behind it are never obvious to others who can’t see any perspective but their own. So then they get mad I’m mad, because they assume I have no reason for it, and then they don’t understand.
Sometimes I’m so tired of explaining I can’t form words to fight back. I can’t explain what I think should be obvious. So I settle for keeping the peace and keeping it to myself:
My imperfect heart
Cannot tell the difference
Between fair and unfair thoughts
So I stay in smiling silence
And that silence makes a gap
That pushes me into the lonely corner
I try so hard to avoid.