I see endless reflections of everything I’m not,
I’m not blonde or skinny,
Red headed with black lace panties,
My time is not set aside to objectify myself, for love or for money.
There are endless pictures that scroll by,
Endless words, vast numbers,
Worth is boiled down to heart icons and analytics,
And not a single warm touch is near.
What’ll it be?
Some glittery tears?
You lean on me,
Until I ease your fears.
But I sink down,
To the ground below,
But no one knows.
It goes unseen
I’m good you see,
At hiding these
Salty like the ocean,
Invites you in,
But there’s no way to win.
So what’ll it be?
Some powerful words?
I’ve got them all,
Sweetness you never heard.
I remember distinctly one day,
Speaking about something so mundane ,
When I looked you in the eye,
And I stuttered, I cannot lie.
You say brown eyes are common things,
Not special, nothing we haven’t seen.
But I fall for twinkles, not colors in eyes,
And I saw the dreams and endless skies.
I caught my breath and looked away,
And finished whatever I was saying, now changed.
There’s a thousand threads
All tangled up
No bows or sailors knots
Just jagged, tight ties and seemingly infinite loops.
You can’t tell where each thread goes;
Some to loss
Some to love
To friendship, pain, your past and future.
One goes to you
And I cannot tell where it stops.
People are like tangled threads
You can see the size and color, and even the immediate length.
But you don’t know where it goes
Or where it stops.
To be understood on your own terms
To be enjoyed for all your flaws
To share laughter at the strangely specific parts of life
It’s all so romantic to me.
There are things between the titles I cannot read,
Between your voice, your kindness, your words,
And the sheer force of reality.
It would be a small step to some
Like going to summer camp for the first time.
Not to me though. We don’t all go to summer camp.
Just as I never thought I would muddle my way through the questions I didn’t even know how to form, to find even a single answer that would set me on my path.
We all have personal challenges. We all should recognize that what’s easy to some may not be easy for others.
This is my challenge.
This is yours.
There’s a number of reasons why I apologize all the time.
Feelings are like black glass. You can’t always see through them, as though solid, they break easily. I’m so aware of this, that I cringe at the idea that I’ve cracked anyone’s glass even accidentally. It’s something that shames me at the thought.
Feelings are also amorphous and changing; they may seem obvious but are up to interpretation. And rather than getting it wrong, it’s vastly easier to fill the silence between the emotion and it’s meaning with “I’m sorry.”
Lastly, however, and most damanging to the reflective; feelings are not equations, and cannot be easily understood. My anger and reasons behind it are never obvious to others who can’t see any perspective but their own. So then they get mad I’m mad, because they assume I have no reason for it, and then they don’t understand.
Sometimes I’m so tired of explaining I can’t form words to fight back. I can’t explain what I think should be obvious. So I settle for keeping the peace and keeping it to myself:
My imperfect heart
Cannot tell the difference
Between fair and unfair thoughts
So I stay in smiling silence
And that silence makes a gap
That pushes me into the lonely corner
I try so hard to avoid.
And on a day…
Where things are mostly fine…
Every normal obstacle feels enormous
Like a shadow over the future
Like seeing something flicker
Out of the corner of your eye
feels like my fault,
No matter how many times I tell myself otherwise.
Because when people are cruel,
when life is cruel,
It’s really hard to believe that it’s not you.
But it’s not you.
As long as you worry it is,
As long as you work to make sure you do your best,
It isn’t you.
It was never you.